Autobioprophictional

I slap around attempting to hit the alarm and fall back to sleep for another fifteen minutes before I finally drag myself out of the bed and sit on the edge. I always hate the way my eyes itch when I first wake up. I sigh and stand up. I walk over to the bathroom sink and stare in the mirror. I am half expecting to see your face over my shoulder making a face at me for no apparent reason. I laugh even though I can only see it in my head. That’s so like you.

I get dressed and listen to music as I walk to class. Almost every song stirs up a memory, but I usually just push them back down the corners of my brain from whence they came. I have gotten pretty good at this, since I can’t actually remember how things got this way, I just know that I have been feeling progressively worse about it for months.

I walk into a half empty class and sit down near the door. I am trying desperately to pay attention when I hear people shuffling by and my brain plants an idea in my head before I’ve even had time to process what just happened. I take a deep breath and I hold it in for a moment. Whether or not it’s real or just a memory, I swear I can smell you. I don’t know what it is you wear, I never bothered to ask, but I know that in this moment, it is there. I don’t even care if it’s just a conjured memory or if it’s the real thing, I just want to sit here and take it in. Before I know it, it’s gone and I am back in class with my hand scribbling across the page and my mind wandering.

I go about the rest of my day with nothing too exciting happening and I don’t even remember that I detected you, or some form of you earlier in the day until I am laying down and attempting to sleep. My mind will not stop and I run through things you’ve said, jokes you’ve told, antics you’ve pulled. I remember a moment you probably found to be very insignificant alone in your car where we didn’t say a word, we just sat listening to music. I hated that car. I still do. Seems useless to me, but, then again, I don’t have much use for one of that nature. I don’t haul ass. I only haul baggage.

In my head, I can see you in your room seething. You hated him because I was stupid. I hated me because I was stupid. I shake thinking about it. I don’t even talk to him now. It could have been much worse, but I would have never let it get that far. If you want to know the truth, it was you I thought of, saw. You were why I was there. I had tunnel vision.

But I did something I didn’t want you, you didn’t want me to, nobody wanted any of it to happen because we only wanted each other. I wanted what used to be there. I turn onto my side and open my eyes. I half expect you to be asleep next to me, but you’re a million miles away and I don’t know if I am strong enough to walk to you.

Your eyes. I see them staring at me. You hate me. I hate me. I hate you. I hate everything. What time is it? I just want what used to be but that will never happen again. I took the time and moved on. I sit up.

I pull into your driveway and notice your car is there. I hate that car. I sit for a moment with the engine running but the lights turn off. I have no idea if you’re asleep. I put the car in reverse and I notice an empty pharmacy bag on the floor of my car. This thing is always such a mess. I put the car back in park and reach down and pick it up. A drug insert falls out. I hate you.

I clench the Prozac insert in my left hand as I press your doorbell with my right.