In the days surrounding the planning of my future, I realized I did not have the time for you like I did before.  And as much as I tried, on that plane, I could not recapture you in the way I had wanted.  You were lost somewhere in the in-flight magazines and people-watching.  You were lost in shuttles, interviews, paperwork.  Hope.

And when everything worked out, you just weren’t the same.  And on the road, you weren’t the same.  You were there, but you were different.  Disconnected from what you used to mean to me.  And instead of trying to force that once again, I, for the first time since this started, let you fade into the past.  I lived without you even though you were right there.  Disconnected and different.  There, but different.  I can’t say I liked the feeling, but that is what life is.

Sitting in a hotel room, I sought you again.  And you were still not the same.  Where had our affair left us?  Love has brought us here.  Brought us to this disjointed place of memory.

I stopped seeking the feeling of the past and I let you slide away.  I knew that we would never be separated and whenever I felt it again, I could seek you once more.  And because of you, I stopped to think.  The white guidelines and the exit signs served only as reminders and I thought about you.  I thought about how I knew you were something special, the most perfect complement to everything that I was living and feeling.  About how my interest in you led me to places I wouldn’t have found without you.  You kept me on track even when I didn’t know what track I would be taking until moments before I embarked.  And what you said, it wasn’t a lie.  Things change.  That’s all, things just change.  My interest in you led me to this place.  You and I, we make a wonderful team.  Perfect.

And on that road, love, I reconnected with you in the middle of the night.  A few other cars.  You made the scenery beautiful.  I found you on the road.  I found you once again.

I have taken away your name here.  I have made you anthropomorphic.  I have made you vague and in that, I gave you the feeling back.  Rather, you gave it back to me.  I made you vague and I made you mine again.  I found you.

I was watching Jeopardy! today and these people managed to answer questions about old, dead Italian writers, sports teams, expo locations, and locales in California, but when it came to the category of “ballistics,” I noticed something quite interesting.

The first question referred to what the origin of the word “ballistics” means.  Now, you don’t even need to know the origin language to think about it logically and come up with a decent response.  What is ballistics?  Projectiles.  What do we do with projectiles?  A few answers would be acceptable here in the thought process:  possibly to launch, to throw.  Do you know what they came up with?  To hit.  That…that is not the same, guys, LOGICALLY THINK ABOUT WHAT A PROJECTILE IS!

Second question:  This is the two word term for the speed of a projectile after it has left the barrel, measured in feet per second.  First of all, speed is a scalar, so it wasn’t EXACTLY worded correctly, but for the sake of the question without giving away the answer with an extra free scoop of ice cream, I will let it slide.  Let’s think about this.  What are synonyms for a barrel?  You know that first one I come up with is?  Muzzle.  Speed in any direction…velocity.  Muzzle velocity.  Do you know what they came up with?  Nothing.  Nobody even bothered to buzz in.

The next question was about some court case using ballistic forensics, so nobody cared, and of course, they got it right.  The $1000 question?  The name of the type of energy a bullet has, the conversion of chemical energy into this.  Now, this, I think, is a basic physical concept that you learn in high school.  Kinetic energy.  The energy of things in motion.  This is important, guys, because this is everywhere, all the time.  This would be a good concept to understand, since it is what makes the world that most of us see function.  Aaaaaaand what did they say?  Nothing.  Not a word.  No buzzing in.  Nothing.

Why is it that these “smart” people, who can rattle off answers about old dead people like they’re going out of style, failed to even buzz in in regard to a question about a very basic concept that is what powers all life and what is the result of powered life?  Shouldn’t things like kinetic energy and velocity be things so basic and obvious and necessary to understanding life and the world that everyone should know them so well they don’t even have to stop and think about it?  They can just insert them into logical thought progressions without hesitation because they know what they are?

We learn a lot of things in school, a lot of things we can say we know.  Some about old, dead writers.  Some about expo locations.  Californian deserts.  But in relation to the things we understand…they almost seem inconsequential if we don’t even have a grasp on basic world concepts.

I just found this interesting.  What we know and what we understand are not the same.  Perhaps schools should focus more on making people understand rather than making students know facts to regurgitate on tests.  This isn’t about performance numbers every June, this is about performance in logical thought throughout life.  Teaching for understanding is not teaching for fact.  The distinction between the two is important.

And that’s a fact.

I haven not written in quite some time.  This can mostly be attributed to end of semester items, end of undergraduate career whatnots.  I have spent the entirety of my college career waiting for these moments, these last days, a time when I would finally be seeing the culmination of all of my efforts, finally have the degrees I put so much into.

A lot of people say they don’t want to leave college, don’t want to leave all of their friends.  I am in no way saddened by the rapid approach of the end of my undergraduate career.  Friends I have made here, real friends, will never be anything less, I do not fear losing contact because I will make the effort.  I have changed so much from the time I was 18, but so has everyone else.  I feel as though I have done the most growing during this past year.  Exactly one year ago today, there is no way I could have ever imagined myself here, in this place.  I am content with the way my life is progressing, and moreover, I am ready, eager, and willing to achieve the next part of my education and undertake the next stage in my life.  I am not the kid I was when I got here, I am not the kid I was last year.

It is not so much that I am ready to leave UAlbany, but that I am ready to move forward.  I have a great sense of gratitude and respect for the lessons I have learned throughout my academic career here at UAlbany.  I have met some of the most influential people in my life here.  I have developed an interest and respect for cultures I never would have learned of otherwise.

My parents came this weekend to move the majority of my things back home.  There are only a few things left, things I can easily fit into my trunk when I leave after my physics department graduation.  To most people on this campus, to most who will live here after me, this will just be a room in an on-campus apartment.  And though I have called this campus home for my entire undergraduate career, it is not so much about the institution itself as the meaning you find in the experiences here.  I see that many of my classmates have taken very little from their experiences, preferring to take their college experiences for granted.  I believe that undergraduate careers are 50% academics and 50% life experiences, each being as equally important as the other.

Everybody’s college experience is different.  This brief reflection on mine is just a snippet of what I feel I have truly learned here.  UAlbany was the best decision I ever made, even if I made some terrible ones while here.  I do believe that is called life.  I do believe this is where I have learned the most about it.

I was browsing the internet today when I saw a post that started a thread that asked “What is something really simple that makes you happy?”  I responded to the post with something that I have been enjoying for quite some time but I am almost always alone when I get to see it, which is somewhat disappointing, though I am unsure if anyone with me could really understand it the way I do when I see it.  I suppose it doesn’t matter, sharing this simple experience with someone I care about, even if it means nothing to them, might be enough for me.

My best friend lives in Troy and I live in Albany.  I drive out there about once a week to play music with him.  As I am driving 787 into Troy, I crest over a large hill.  As I do this, I see Troy’s city lights rise up in front of me.  A few at first and then a great expanse of lights of varying luminosity, altitudes, placements come into view.  I find it very peaceful and inspiring to watch the city rise up before me, almost like it is welcoming me and welcoming the music I will soon create.  When I leave Troy, I look back a few times in my mirror to watch the lights get smaller behind me until they sink back behind the hill.  It’s almost as if the music we have just made lives in those lights, one last expansive view to bid me adieu, as if saying “the inspiration’s always here, come find it whenever you need it.”

Troy isn’t a huge city and it certainly isn’t the most impressive.  But cresting that hill and watching it come into full view at night, lights shining, well, that’s something else.  Hopefully I can share this inspiration and sight with a passenger who will understand, but if not, I will at least always have my rising city to look forward to.

It’s the little things in life that make it magical.  Sometimes, cities rise before you and welcome you with open arms.

For as long as I can remember, I have loved music and ever since I was about ten years old, I have considered myself a drummer, moreover, a percussionist.  My best friend, who is absolutely amazing on the guitar, and I have been playing music together since we were about fifteen.  We have known each other since we were five.  Whenever we play together, which is at least once a week, something just clicks.

We have no prior idea of what we’re about to play when we get together.  Some might call it a jam session.  I just give him two measures of a beat and he picks up his guitar and just starts playing.  And the absolute best part of it is that we know each other so well and we know each other’s musical abilities and styles so well that I can feel when his music is about to change and I play accordingly.  To an outsider, it would sound like these songs were rehearsed, but we often have never heard them ourselves before the very moment that we play them into existence.  It is quite possibly one of the greatest feelings I can experience, to do something I love with someone who is very close to me and very important to me, playing in such wonderful synch that we can just feel when the other person is going play a different riff or fill or whatever.  I would not trade this for the world.

I wish that everyone could have someone with which they are so close they just know what the other person is going to do.  Not necessarily musically, but in whatever area that bonds two people together the most.  I am very fortunate that my best friend and I love music so much and have such a strong musical friendship as well as emotional friendship.  It makes our music better and the music makes us better friends.  There is something that goes beyond a level of comfort with each other, it goes beyond two friends or two musicians.  It is music.  It is what we love.  Anyone who hears us can tell.

There is me, the drummer, and there is him, the guitarist.  And there is my rhythm and his melody, but more importantly, there is our music.

The song by the same title is one that always gets me thinking.  There are a lot of different people who live in that song, but you’re the melody.  I am writing this for you.

I know that we have not always seen eye to eye and there have been days, many, in which we never wanted to see each other.  I know that you don’t understand what this means to me, how much I credit you with everything you see here, see in me.  What does not kill us makes us stronger, right?  Right.  I found the strength to accept, sympathize, even when I had to crawl with broken bones and on bloodied knees because I know that there is no greater gift that any one person can give to another than forgiveness.  I hold you accountable for what you did, but I no longer hold it against you.  I know that you never planned any of this, that you don’t know how to accept and deal properly with what you’re feeling.  I know, believe me, I know how much things can hurt, how much pain you carry with you.  I carried it too.  But there is no room, lovely, for holding onto the past, for regret, for keeping it in and letting it chip away at you.  How can you ever experience what I feel if you do?  How can you ever know what I know, be able to smile with tears in your eyes?  My greatest wish for you is that one day, you can forgive your perpetrators, your thorns in your side, and reach this place that I would have never found without you.

What there once could have been will never be now, but that is not to say that there can’t be anything.  I have experience in rebuilding, as I have done it so many times I am a master.  Now it is your turn.  I do not hate you, I do not dislike you, I do not fault you.  I understand, maybe moreso than anyone, because we are so similar and I know I never wanted us to be.  But there is nothing I can do now.  I love you for who you are despite what you carry inside you.  It is unlikely that I will ever fault you for what happened to me as a result.  More important than being sorry is taking the steps to heal, yourself before anyone else.  I can help you, I have some experience.  The tragic undertone of my previous statement is heartbreaking, but I don’t want you to feel it.  I have buried the past in writing and sound and that is where it will stay.  Let’s try this again.  And again.  And again.  Until we get it right.

This is alive in me because you forced me to cultivate it, forced me to turn to it, to find in it what I wanted to find in you.  This creation, my creation, is all of ours, because I never would have done it without every single person involved having done what they did or said what they said.

Years from now, when I am gone but never really gone, this will come to fruition and I will be able to look you in the eye and thank you sincerely.  I am not there yet, but let’s get there together.

And now it’s time to leave the lights and hope the future is just as bright.  Please think of me back home.  We’re so, so close.  And even though I’m so far gone, know that I wrote out one last song, a piece of me to hold.  I’m so, so close.  We are so, so close.

Love, absolutely always,

MJ

Last night I was having a text conversation with my best friend after I got home.  There are some people you just know so well and who know you so well that you can understand the underlying statements in what they say and vice versa.  Well, best friend, I got everything you were really saying there.  You gave me the best advice yesterday, which was stop taking so much advice from everyone.  You know this better than all of us because you have reasons why you do what you do and not everyone understands.  I do because I am the same way.  You and I are actually living almost parallel right now, and I realize that you are right.

I have a few people I hold very close.  And I take what they say to me to heart, very much, because they are looking out for my best interests.  And I know they do not mean any harm in what they say or do, but their advice is not always based on the most accurate information.  And what something looks like from the outside or from one side isn’t necessarily the entirety of the situation.  I had so many voices in my ear yesterday, so many people offering opinions I never asked for, never wanted.  Talk me up, talk me down, talk me into, out of.  I know they were looking out for me, my best interests, but they often do not understand that I am not as fragile as I may appear.  If they had been flies on the walls of my childhood, adolescence, they would understand that I have come such a long way and I have learned that a thick skin is not the result of ignoring what hurts, it is a result of knowing the truth about yourself and having enough faith to know that some things are just molehills.  Most things are just molehills.  Can you imagine me saying this five years ago?  A year ago?  A month ago?  A week ago?  A day ago?  No.  Perspectives change and so it has.

I know they mean well, but I know what I am willing to field, willing to accept, willing to let slide, whatever it is.  I know.  I appreciate the sentiment and I love you for it because I know that bonds like these are not easily forged, my best of friends, and not easily broken.  I know that you are looking out for me.  I know that you love me as the person I am and I the same for you.  And I will listen to what you tell me and I will appreciate every word you say because I know that you have the absolute best of intentions.  But know that I had so many voices, so many pieces of advice that I almost lost what I actually thought.  But we all learn through experience, through just living life as it comes, and I have done so.  The best advice I got was to take advice with a grain of salt.  Perhaps he knows better than any of us, all of us.

“I made the right decision last night.”  That is what I read this morning.  That is why I know that even though I value your opinions and I know you want to see the best for me, ultimately I can only sleep easy knowing that I made the best decision.  I made the decision.  I know you are slightly biased because of the past, but it is over.  It is gone.  There is no point dwelling on the past, it will only serve to cause you to hold a grudge, be suspicious, biased.  Often this is worse than what actually happened, the actual situation, please believe me when I say that I know this.

“I made the right decision last night.”  Best friend, you absolutely did.  You made the best decision for you.  And you have taught me much, you taught me so much in our text conversation last night that I realized that you have qualities few people possess.  You are wise beyond your years and above all, you offer me advice and then tell me what is the best advice…to only listen to you if it is relevant to what I actually feel.  Take your advice with a grain of salt.  I wish that I had understood this long ago, but I suppose twenty-three years is better than never, which is what most people experience.

You and I know the dangers of advice, best friend, and you gave me the best advice anyone could ever give anyone else.  And so I have done so.  I have decided, I have analyzed, and I have reached my own conclusion.  And so did you, my very best friend, and because we know better and we know nothing:

Take this advice, live by every word.  Love is just a hoax, so forget everything that you have heard.  Take this advice, live by every word.  Love’s completely real, so forget anything that you have heard.

Do you know what it’s like to hear a rhythm in everything?  I feel it in every song, every syncopation, every pattern becomes a rhythm in my head.  When I study, I associate the material to a song and when I need to recall it, I play the song back in my head.  This is how much rhythm permeates everything I do.  When I can’t sleep at night, I lull myself off to dreamland by inventing and playing various rhythms with my hands on my headboard.  I could launch into an explanation of why I think I am so connected to the idea of rhythm and music, but I’ve already done it and anyone reading this probably already knows.

I have recently gotten into a groove, a lifestyle rhythm that’s been working out pretty great for me.  Not, of course, without the help of others whose opinions I greatly value.  Each one of those people have a song that I associate only with them and no one else, a rhythm that belongs only to them in my eyes.  When I need those people the most, I find them first in their song because the song will usually elicit the emotional response I need to help me think through a situation.  But, as I have said, often those people are helping me before I even seek them in song.  Some people are just like that.  Wavelength?  Rhythm.

This current lifestyle rhythm is something I really want to maintain and I will do what is required to maintain it.  If I must sever ties, so be it.  If I must forge new bonds, so be it.  Come what may, there are ideas and feelings that are too important in the grand scheme of things to abandon or negate.  I believe in the law of return.  Maybe most people call it karma.  It doesn’t matter.  I will give to others the best I can, the best parts of me.  If they do the same in return, I will continue, however, if they take and take and never give back, there is little room in my rhythm for someone being off beat.  Those who I have shared the most with about myself are those who have shared back, those who accept my rhythm, even when the syncopation is slightly off.  These are the people and ideas I want to surround myself with.  People who understand the rhythm, at least, understand what it means to me.

Rhythm, you either have it or you don’t.

I do not know who instilled this sense of forgiveness and acceptance in you, but it was one of the most loving acts I have witnessed in a very long time.  Betrayed by your closest friend, I watched you accept the past and forgive, absolve your friend of his sins, and vow to protect his image, his name.  You are quite possibly the best friend I have ever seen.  What you did took strength I know not many people have.  I could not do what you did.  Yesterday, friend, you taught me much more in three hours than I could have ever learned on my own.

A friend like you, they are not easy to come by.  After all of this time and you still ask me how I am, ask about my family, talk to me, laugh with me.  What you feel was your most difficult task became your best moment, where you forgave someone for the biggest treachery one can commit against another.  Someday, I hope to be able to draw from your example and do the same.  I am not there yet, but you are.  And you are an amazing person because of who you are and who you have become.  The world would be a much better place with more people like you.  I am proud of you for what you did and I know, maybe all too well, that your task was not easy, not anything I ever wanted you to experience.

I doubt you will ever read this.  But yesterday I gained the greatest amount of respect for you.  Know that yesterday, I did everything I could not to cry for you because even you said it, there is no point now.  And in your weakest moment, you showed the greatest strength I have ever seen.

Whenever you need me, friend, I will be there for you.  You have made me realize how much I can really hold a grudge, how much I can let anger permeate my daily life if I let it.  You have made me realize what kind of friend I want to be, what kind of friend my friends deserve from me.  Don’t ever lose this part of yourself, you have more faith, more strength, more love for others than I have ever seen before.

What you did was not easy, but you did it with the greatest love and care for someone else.  You did what was selfless and honorable.  You are an amazing person.  Never change.

Too often, I think, people get so caught up in everyday, mundane activities that they don’t realize they have let some of the bigger issues and ideas get pushed so far back they can’t even identify them anymore.  Now, I am certainly not an expert in psychology or anything, but I do have my hypotheses on certain things and they’re not necessarily right or wrong, they’re food for thought.  Here is something to chew on.

I have noticed lately that a lot of people I know complain a lot about a lot of things.  This isn’t bad and I’m not saying I don’t want to hear it, it’s fine to blow off steam, but I’ve been looking at the things people have been complaining about and I think I may have identified at least one reason why people are complaining about them so much.  I am absolutely guilty of this too.  I think a lot of people are complaining because they have gotten so caught up in everything else, they have let their standards slip.  And when they realize that their love life, job, friendships, whatever, are not where they want them to be, they complain.  But perhaps some or all of the issue could be solved by just raising your standards.

If your job is far below what you expect of it or what to gain from it, raise your standards.  Maybe that means looking for a new job, maybe that means going back to school and getting the education you need to get a job more up to par, whatever, but don’t just stay stuck and complaining.  People don’t realize that they can do better, and often, that they deserve better and end up stuck in one place or with one person who isn’t right, or whatever else for too long and it becomes comfortable.

I have been watching a lot of people complain about their romantic relationships, including myself.  A lot of people have a “type” that they’re attracted to, but repeatedly being attracted to people who aren’t meeting even basic acceptable standards (the selfish, arrogant, inconsiderate — you know the type) isn’t a product of liking “the bad boy” or whatever other justification people give it to avoid dealing with the real relationship problems, it is a product of settling and questioning your own self-worth and self-esteem.  Rest assured, you can do better and deserve better.

It has been my experience that a lot of anxiety and dissatisfaction in certain areas can be quashed by simply raising your standards.  Understanding what you want, deserve, and need in work, love, friendships, school…it can go a long way into vastly improving, if nothing else, your demeanor.  And disregarding or stepping away from or out of things that aren’t up to standard are not reasons to feel bad, guilty, or like you’re abandoning something, you’re simply seeking out what will be conducive and supportive of your own happiness.  That is not selfish, that is what is necessary in order to give your best to the projects, people, and ideas you feel the most attached and attracted to, on whatever level.

Change the things making you unhappy by raising the bar in some cases.  I have, and while it hasn’t eliminated the problem, it has seriously changed the way I look at it and has set me on a course in a much better, healthier, happier, friendlier direction.  Raise your bar.  No worries, I’ll help you.